Just now I sat at green shelter to feel the nostalgia of life, how I've finished my first month or few days at green shelter waiting for people to appear, but no one appeared, I'm left all alone most of the time with my redbull, then some day with food like Pulot. I miss the growing feeling of recovery then "back into life" kind of feelings, I hate thinking about jobs, all I can think of is "dishwasher" then nothing else, it's really bad my experience on jobs is so little, then I thought like I'm 22 years old last year, then I saw my wrist tag as 37 years old, I'm really old and I miss so many years of life experiences and people dont chase for me pleasure in life, they let me live like I have loss nothing in life. Imagine people with money they have travelled to countries, shopping, weekends day out to enjoy, then my parents let me live with nothing everyday, I don't even have the time to enjoy myself to be at other countries because of my capability, which they judge as my laziness instead of schizophrenia, they don't pity how I don't have life like my other siblings, that went out to other countries before, then I'm the most least or poor feelings that people just don't really care but have words like "mak/bapak angkat" to make me thought like they cared about me, it's really sad they don't give me money too and don't advise my parents to give me money.
I now have about $146 in my wallet and $202 in bank, I goal to use only $100 or $80 this month and it looks like I can make it, I really hope I survive as it's already the 10th day of the month now.
I want to make life feel nostalgic and recovering like doctor said if I don't smoke I will experience the journal feelings in life, then I really don't know, as it means people start treating me like I have schizophrenia, instead of assuming of my feelings then they maybe don't hurt my feelings accidentally too. It's really painful when it happens then it's my luck they just don't treat me like I'm schizophrenic but attitude and laziness problem, I'm sad how the treatment doesn't motivate me to become better in life, but just like a killing of my goals in life, I imagine 39 and 40 years old they don't give me money and I can't work, if I'm struggling when close to 38, it means it's hard for me to work should already be in their knowledge but they don't treat me like schizophrenic and assume I am lazy to work instead, doctors not understanding like I thought and they let me struggle this year like this. Example my hard work I only earn $7/hr for dishwasher, when it's sometimes heavy carrying of items, then they really give me so little and other dishwasher job I ever worked as is $10/hr, it's so little but then my money only like that.
I don't understand why girls live their life instead of supporting my life, they rather be apart than wasting their money for me, it's not like they will be paying my medical bills, but they save up their money, then I assume they won't support me anything as fact as I'm turning 38 already, I feel like being killed slowly the torture of enduring this life, like I hate to become having a demanding heart when people don't want to give. It's all their life's effort anyway.
My life is meant to be boring everyday as they don't treat my lack of enjoyment in life as something alarming but just something as okay to feel in life. It's really weird how the family is okay about what I'm feeling in life, they really let me still hear voices until now as they can't do anything about it, and they never intend to sue Alysha for it, my parents are stupid because they didn't sue Alysha for the pain she created, maybe it's for peace, but I don't know they just are not caring enough or don't know how to jage anak sendiri, it's really a bad experience and I have suffered until now then they still let her live freely without worrying her(most probably), as it's the only pain chances is to make Alysha remember what she did to me, so her heart will become unstable again, but nobody tegur Alysha anything and she lives like she did nothing to me.
I'm let to experience instability, writing all these like risking my own life, experience suicidal thoughts and even finishing my own bloodline like sex with prostitute until pregnancy, then Alysha is let free like our family will be fine like this, my heart was not calmed down and I still feel panic because of low of cash, then my parents used to saying they just have no money, their lies are too much then I don't know what I can do about it. They don't mind creating my heart in pain instead of just letting me feel the pleasure of life, letting me try to search for Sakinah, they don't care I don't meet her at all and lose pleasures of life. Life is so unfair as schizophrenic, it's assumed as I am violent and attitude problem instead, and more likely to self-damage but they didn't care about me more but just let me suffer and feel tortured. My parents definitely tak tahu jage anak, I think my 2nd sister's ex-husband is right about it, I've been suffering for so long then they dont care at all. I'm definitely feeling like making them regret something, like wanting a child with a random girl then they will understand what kind of feelings they created me to feel, example by not settling Alysha and let her live peacefully. The war between me and Alysha is real yet people regard it as friendlies because neighbour, I just don't have the chance to beat her boyfriend or future husband yet that's all.
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