I have a feeling like I will be studying somewhere in month of June, then I really don't know if I will be doing such thing, it's just a vision as I don't remember what I will work as, maybe I will be focused on driving license and reading books, so I really don't know, I hope I'm guided about what to do in life, smoking is just a pleasure in life then if government doesn't ban it, it means it's still something good as fact, the increase of price made life more difficult and it's sad that a poor guy like me still surviving on cheap cigarettes, I really don't know why they promote to stop smoking, but it's part of a soldier's strength in war.
It's 8th of May today, Friday, the girls don't seem to worry at all if I did early in my life, so I don't know what to do, cant know how to get them into my boring life. I just regard and assume that they've considered me dead since long time ago and decided to leave me permanently.
Now my life only to think of school for 2 or 3 years, then learn about Islam after that, then maybe computers or Law even, as I am growing old and late in life, I still wonder if I will do such thing, especially doctor telling me about hacker salary, then I don't understand why they giving me a job so slow in life, they let me understand poor and suffering first in life, it's really sad how I'm just surviving in life. I can't get back up support like able to do things I wish in life like a freedom, but keeps saving up and worry about my present life if I can survive until August, doctors really bad about jobs, then I can't do anything about it after trying hard I then have to endure for the difficult moments in life to be experienced.
I really don't understand why nobody is accompanying me in my life, maybe just to assume everyone have their own wife already, then the girls just busy with work even after 6p.m don't want to message me even on weekends I'm left alone thinking of my life if will become bad or good, it's really a tough thing to experience this by myself, I wonder where the friend that can be like a nursing my health journey, none exist and I have to understand independence for my own journey, I have schizophrenia but people don't treat me like a mental sickness, but a normal people anyway, it's like government didn't worry about me feeling bad if didn't take medications of I.M.H to do my N.S, it's really bad I even went into Detention Barrack when AWOL. I feel like I will apply for Soldier around 43 years old, so I really don't know what's my life becoming. I have interest in Drones of S.A.F and Cyber security in C.S.A, but then my education is not high and feeling like "Crow Yuzree" when he was nothing during N.S as my Platoon Mate, he knew he would enter prison and learn O and A level in Prison, "because psychic exist", something like that, he planned well and really got whatever he said in life, he's so lucky he's done and finished with his life plans while I'm still stuck at "Before O level".
I wonder where to gain friends, I feel like wanting to talk to people but I don't know at where, it's like I won't recover when I think of my schizophrenic neighbours, I don't know how they survive life without thinking "everyday is a repeat", maybe because they have children to think about, and children made their life different daily, it's really madness for me as a single man, as a smoker, I really struggle to have the kind of life of my wish, even with new bag it didn't win me to stop smoking, I really need an activity at home, maybe 11th May I will stop smoking I feel, it's because the change of medicine will create me happy of other things and the anhedonic feelings will be gone so I'm motivated to do something else a lot more, I really need the guide and encouragement but everyone's status are too high for me, maybe Sakinah didn't talk to me because of Status I thought now. I really can't do anything about it. I have to think life like everyone won't be around for me until 45 and 50 years old, it's so long but I have to live life like this is the best that they can give, but actually knowing they can give a lot more but let me suffer instead, it's really sad my life being weak and not strong, and schizophrenia doesn't have insurance at all, it's really an anger to feel like this daily. There's nothing to fuel my plans like reading books from library, then learning O level early, people just believe I'm tripping because of schizophrenia instead of supporting me, it's really sad I don't have the company in life, and daily alone been almost 1 year too. All I know is I plan to make friends in ward 1 day if I ever go into ward again, it's really sad but such thing happens yearly then nobody is reminding me like that, they just let me go through it and finish the 1.5mths, then now I am thinking of myself as nothing, it's like I won't improve or achieve something higher in life. It's sad then I want to become smarter but the energy is really low, only if I can quit smoking the way people usually quit(cut slowly) instead of cold turkey(the only plan).
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