I'm still ambitious of buying O level study books, I really don't know if I can do it, I really want to pass my O level, "Crow Yuzree" kept being in my mind, he have more tattoos than me but have A level, it's amazing to be so ambitious then successfully completing our goal, I definitely need to recover a lot more and try remember more things before I start studying, I really feel like I will focus on medication, take driving license, read English/Malay O level Essay books, I think it's the only way to start doing something, I don't want to be a burden in my family anyway, even if my 2nd sister have said that she want to buy me a house, then my mother said that my father want to buy me a house, it means they probably will combine money? It's really a happiness feeling I hope I get such thing, I want to become someone neat and tidy, then the feeling of caring own home, it's really going to be a dream come true if it happens, I really don't want to suffer but at the same time I'm not expecting too much from them about buying me a house, I really hope I get to quit smoking especially.
I realized it's true that my mind feels blank when I don't smoke, it feels empty then causing my writing to become so short in the morning, only 6 viewers, then 2nd one only 13 viewers, it seems like the viewers appeared at a fixed moment but sometime the number slowly crawl up, so I become having no idea who reads me.
Right now I feel like buying mechanical pencil to feel like a studious person, but I wonder for what anyway, I plan of highlighting special words in the essay example of O level that I will buy one day, I hope I grow into a better writer for my Composition, will I really be doing O level at year of 39 years old? It's really like a lot of heartbeat and unbelievable, I hope there's old people in the class at the same time, it's really a scary feeling how I'm going back into the examination life again, I really want to do well in my education just because I want to become a Psychologist, I believe Psychologist once a Psychic can get anything we want in the world due to knowing more, then I imagine if to get Sakinah is requiring to become a Psychic first? But what if she had sex with other guys then I will wake up from my delusion of feeling she's my soulmate? I read a quote of people wanting to get "other's soulmate to become their soulmate", the word "soulmate" really have different belief, in Yassin, "life are created in pairs", it means since baby we have a Soulmate, I really want Sakinah since baby days, then nobody is helping me.
I'm thinking stuff like if I will get money on my birthday, then will I buy study books, computer or laptop? A computer table in room? Closet? Single bed mattress? It's all my life needs to become having everything, I really want to feel perfect. Anyway I read Book 13 of Singapore True Ghost Stories, it's not scary at all, the story is bad then I feel like not buying the bundle anymore, it's okay I guess.
I wonder how to create the girls to contact me, everyone living a working life except me, it's really like I will end up not growing into anything until August happens, it's like I really will focus on medicine and study O level early then that's all for this year. I probably will buy Patchwork Long sleeve to go out on 10th September* I thought it's October at that time, it's really harsh I forgot then wrote wrongly, if Shahridah reads she will think that I forgot.
I wonder like what in the world is happening to me, will I goal in life like "Crow Yuzree", he really did everything he said, means I will really do everything I want? My 2nd sister's ex-husband also did everything he said like making a Renovation Company, it really means like a man mean whatever said, I wonder if I can really achieve drones job in S.A.F and Cyber security in C.S.A, I really want these kind of job, I remember I feel like studying Law too, other than learning Islam, I wonder how, there's 3 different type of matters to learn after learning Psychology, what will I be working as at 50 years old? Why is it so hard to know the future? Why doctor can know the future?
It really feels like 19th June I will get money, will Epul, Zik, Syed Shufi give me money like they claimed they would during N.S? Will Jesslyn my B.M.C classmate really give me money at my 38 years old too? It's really a long journey then finally I'm reaching and aware in turning 38 years old, it's finally like I remember my age, it's been so long I kept forgetting my age due to memory loss, then not clear about life because I didn't feel like I loss any moments in life, whenever I blog I feel like I had loss life experiences and moments to feel something nice, then I am sad how people don't care or mind that I miss such feelings, it's weird and quite abnormal how they treat me like someone without schizophrenia, I really want a nicer treatment like knowledge of handling my heart with "care", instead of heartache like my mother said "buat cerita" when I was blogging, even if it means something else than "buat fitnah", the pain exist like that, like I have written so many things then suddenly hear "buat cerita" it's so painful.
Today will be going Mr. Uncle again to celebrate my nephew's(Arshan) birthday, it will be a happy feeling but I am thinking about how small the portion of food are at that time it made me mad how little for the prices, but it's higher class food anyway and it's special occasion, so I think money is actually nothing to my mother too, I pity how if have spent then suddenly me saying like ill-sentences then the point is it's a celebration moment anyway, but I'm just not growing into a nicer guy due to anger I guess.
I imagine the TikTok profile viewer that's connected to Sakinah as her niece viewing then it felt so cute in my heart, then I imagine Sakinah viewed using her niece's phone instead, it's really hard but I think like I'm really growing up to become O and A level person without Sakinah first, it's really sad like that I need the energy to carry on but she just living her life, along like other girls. Even if R will be around, I remember I will be sleepy after school anyway, then will only be around during break time only, it's really weird but I don't know if her support is to be around everytime, I really hope for the end of questions and start of communication like life plans, but it's still 7 months to go anyway, still long time to go. I wonder what would Sakinah feel about this happening, I remembered of my suicidal feelings when I thought I won't get Sakinah then feel like trying a force of having a baby with a girl, then to become regretful anyway, then it's okay, I think to have with someone I love will still be better.
I hope Sakinah comes into my life this year, as I will study again next year maybe, then I hope she's around as a support to my life, I really want to grow and not become worse in life, I really don't know what jobs I can do due to schizophrenia, especially if imagine I kept losing memory at workplace, it's definitely deadmeat, my rest is only 1 year then no visits from anyone, until it's O level and my birthday then I will find out. It takes time but I hope it's 18th June Midnight that I meet people, I really don't know, I plan to be awake on 18th June.
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