How to be happier this year? What can I do to become a better person? How can I achieve next year? Will I really be taking my O level or not? Why is nobody reminding me my plans in life? It's like a tough thing to experience, then I can't remember anything then I just vision myself as a useless person like I have psychic power to know my life is bad, I know my future is bad, I'm not becoming a better person at all, my achievement during N level was nothing special, no one celebrated and I kept feeling like a useless man.
After May is June, it's 7 May now, 4 more days it's 11 May my appointment with doctor, will doctor tell me anything or just being a doctor to me? I will have no jobs anymore? I really will focus on medicine alone this entire year? Life really I won't grow to be having more in life? My start of learning O level is really August? I can't start early like going to library early, or it's really my schizophrenia really "trip" because it's too early for O level next year, it's just about language improvement that I want to do, that's all. How can I be having the energetic happy feeling if anhedonia keeps killing my happiness? Once I get to play console many hours it means my anhedonia is gone then it means I can plan more creative things in my life. I really dont want a bad future but nobody is lending me their support, I am surviving on my own.
I'm happy how I have successfully been taking medicine, I'm unhappy there's no celebration of my success in multiple matters, it's really sad I self-celebrate myself instead the other time about 30 or 100 days on medicine or outside ward, I really growing up to be a useless person that only focus on medicine, I don't know why I am not getting support in life, I just want a better feeling and nobody help live up the feelings I want to feel, the atmosphere are always the same like everyone in my house are living their own lives and their own plans and mindset, I'm so unhappy being nothing in life.
I really still try to remember what doctor said, but I can only remember this title, it's really sad if I can't become a workaholic to keep earning money to have a nicer life and good future, I really hope I get a job somewhere in May or June, then at least doctor will appear as truthful to me again, since they won't remind me what they said to me.
I still in pain like wanting O level then imagine 2 years to do O and A level next year, I really feel my low achievement is something bad in my life, I don't know where to get the energy to keep learning by my own self, I have no one guiding me in life and I think all of these by my own self, I'm sad no one is actually being supportive about O level and probably will only talk about it next year since doctor said that December my heart would still be crying for help(like right now) and it's a last minute registration to O level, but I really don't know, sometimes doctor just add "if" in front of his information, then I can't detect the truth of which is real, but Alysha added lies anyway then it's mainly a girl's voice that I hear and if a male's voice I thought it's my voice talking back to Alysha, I'm so sad nobody reminding me my plan or what I will be happy about this year. I really want to become a happy person and nobody is supporting my life.
I saw my schizophrenic neighbour morning went out somewhere and living their life looking not worried of how many years it's been taking medicine, it's really weird like who would believe hearing voices can be painful, heated up, boiling heart, painful fears, fear of heartache, fear of humans because of heartaching sentences? Only doctors believe but they didn't tell our family what we feel, then I live with a lot of expectations from them instead that they can't give me like providing money needs to be asked or in anger, it's really and upset heart most of the time, I wonder why they won't support me, I would have learnt O level early if they support me financially but then they didn't and I end up an ambitious person, but I don't mind because the Syllabus maybe wrong, I may be learning the wrong things, so it's okay to skip revision, maybe my friend said that it's too early as something right too, I just want to be handal in my education, then I can't make it because of schizophrenia and people not reminding me stuff. It's really sad how my life kept suffering.
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