Happy 11th May

Finally it's time to see doctor today, I'm happy if it's change of medicine, I will definitely be over about anhedonia, then I can play games again, the anhedonia is too much that I can't enjoy myself when I have fun things to do.

My mother already went out to balik kampung, then she will be back in a week.

It's hard to continue my plan of learning for O level, I feel so unstable now I wonder what I should do. Later 3p.m I will go out to go I.M.H then really hope it's the end, or I will need to go I.M.H again next week for the injection? I really don't know, I hope there's no more injection because of the anhedonia it gives.

It's close to half month now just in 4 days, I'm really happy about turning 38 and recovering from schizophrenia will be at that age, then I don't know why I can't be cured at late 37 years old? The needs to take medicine daily is the only cure that it will happen "one day", it's harsh like we can never know the recovery date, I just hope for good luck in my life and the recovery to happen before 38 years old, it will be nice. I still hear voices yesterday, even after almost 1 year on medication, it's unhappy expression and nonsense sentences of Alysha I think, I don't know how she know how to make me hear voices of her sentences, it's just needing a bad feeling in my heart then someone to talk bad, then it becomes my memory in future, schizophrenia is really like that.

I can't know my cure date it's quite crazy just waiting everyday taking medicine, I feel not good about life being like this. It's a bad life journey and experience, I still feel heavy sometimes especially the worry of schizophrenia, but I became more wanting to take medicine as it's the only cure of pain. I remember in ward someone keeps playing like a Buddhist mantra for peace, then it's the only thing I hear daily, the feeling was different, I felt like more crazier at that time, then now the feeling is abit lighter, maybe the medicine really effective to cure me. 1 year is a long time, then it's the only thing that keeps me stable, I don't know how I can live without the medicine it feels like that, it's the only thing that helps me from the boiling anger that I feel daily when schizophrenic my heart always in rage and I became helpless and only in pain, it feels hot temperature and like I'm burning in hell like in another secret realm.

I don't know why I feel like abit of panic but maybe it's the fear in my heart due to shortage of cigarette, it really makes me unstable and I'm meant to feel scared or panic daily because of cigarette? Isn't there any other way to be stable. The q.s inhaler is my next hope for a higher stability and balance in craving for cigarette.