Scary mind

Life like a nightmare how I won't be able to earn money and just surviving due to my own decision like getting a bag etc. I think I will survive though, it's maybe the cigarette shortage feelings, I keep imagining myself as a bad life because of my age, I can't be optimistic about my future, I feel like I became stupid, then I wonder why doctor said about becoming a President, it just made me thought I would score well in my future exam if I do it. I am goaling for a just pass and it's only 1 year anyway, I have nothing to do in life but just be getting money from my parents for food at school, at this age? Wow it's really sad that I'm still like a kid, I feel that maybe I'm retarded a little then not someone that can get married at all. It's really sad how nobody encourage me to take medicine like a trade of getting something nice in life, I'm all alone in this feelings, nobody is with me and understand the difficulty of medicine, I feel like I am a sick person that cant achieve in life, it's just my bad luck in life to have schizophrenia, its really heavy for me but I experience it, I remember I kept losing my memory when I see stuff I want to buy, then I kept thinking I saw it for my first time instead, it's really sad how it's like that, then I maybe bought it over and over again, like a life repeat, and my family didn't help me recover like taking photos of my buys and showing me when I loss my memory, the stuff are so nice that it makes me loss my memory, I'm really sad how my schizophrenia have no support like a caring parents, I'm like an idiot thats problematic instead, I feel like I can go crazy sometimes, it's weird my life journey.

I start to imagine my 2nd sister having a child with her husband, then I wonder if it will still be a perfect family, then imagine if my brother's ex-wife will have another baby with another man, I really loss the vision or imagination of a perfect family, they don't seem to care that our family became like ruined, it's really sad but it's their life anyway, maybe their happiness are really like that. It's weird like reminds me of Wahdiah that she have half-brother, like Dina have half-siblings, then I start to imagine maybe it's nothing after all, as love is the point of having a child together. When I think again, I was looking for Wahdiah on Facebook then I saw her at Woodlands Jetty 14 Aug 2017, does it mean she knew I will be out of ward on 15 Aug? It's really weird my life without her, and she's still happy with her life as a family, it's really weird but I definitely will reflect my 2nd sister as Wahdiah's mother that created her to have half-brother, the perfection is that it's still in the bloodline I guess. It's like Rasullullah s.a.w married a Janda? Then I became thinking if Wahdiah still loves me and just reminding me she was close to me on 14 Aug.

I feel sad of my love story, that I hope and pray they get schizophrenia faster so that they realized what they did to me was wrong, they shouldn't have left me and should keep trying to remind me of the past, it's really cruel like just leaving me all alone feeling nothing anymore about a fun love story, it's really sad life is like this but they really did such thing to me.

I imagine my 2nd sister's perfection maybe will happen like Wahdiah's family, I really don't know, I imagine if she have an enemy, her enemy would want the perfection gone, and would want her to have babies at least with another man, then she's just making her enemies happier anyway, as I can stop their marriage, I remember doctor ever said when Dina was a baby that my 2nd sister would marry an Egyptian one day, then it really happened, it means/proves that doctors are psychic? Means I maybe will just become gila(happy) if she have babies with another man because of loving babies? The imperfection is like a scar to the family and I can't believe she as someone smart in the family decided like that for her life.

I wonder what I should do to become a better man nowadays as I know I smoke and then I have nothing to do everyday at home, as I have no jobs and resume anyway, it's really sad like a loud madness feeling, like it's noises in my head that I can't hear the words, I'm just unhappy in my heart for every loss of perfection in my family.

I somehow hope doctor fix something about this perfection feeling, but doctor believe that the divorce had scarred my soul/heart/mind then I wonder if I really will die from becoming insane if they(my 2nd sister and my brother's ex wife) have babies with other men, like I will die because "Allah lebih sayang", I think this is what doctor meant anyway, but they didn't try too I guess. It's just too bad my family perfection deteriorate or decreases with their decision, I just need to find the happiness of their decision, and as I love babies, maybe my 2nd sister would make me too angry+too happy at the same if she have babies with the Egyptian husband of hers. It's really just a weird feeling like a climax in my heart, that something would happen to me as "something like Wahdiah's family" is happening, it's like balasan for leaving Wahdiah or to remember Wahdiah permanently in my life if she don't love me and leaving me forever? I just dont know. The duration of time Shahridah and Wahdiah left me been so long, like R maybe don't care about me because have a Son anyway to keep herself occupied, I wonder if each of them have guys supporting them that try to attract them then they don't tell me anything, I read a quote that if a girl being flirted will tell the person they love, it doesn't happen to me then I guess my relationships are really over as the secret fact. God knows the pain in my heart, mind and soul, why others' divorce can create a pain to me? It's really just weird, I feel like me as a man can't marry Sakinah because of our family actually don't know how to care for our lover or it's just bad luck keeps happening into my life, like "ujian" if pious Muslim would say, then they regarded it as nothing as something "too bad for me" that nobody effort to keep their ties in marriage together, it's really sad that nothing was put into effort and they just broke up like that living life of their own.