No more ideas

Don't know what else to write today, I feel so empty, it's about 3 hours to go for I.M.H appointment, it's really like a fun feeling like the "end of something", it feels good everytime it's over then like a complete rest at home, my mind become at ease about it then I can relax waiting for the next appointment, it's really confusing this time as doctor makes the appointment earlier than usually, I wonder why it's like that, I also realize that 19th June is coming soon, it's really a happy day, the final time I waited for someone to appear and getting to know if "someone will really give me money or not", it's really crazy the madness of waiting to receive support in life, schizophrenia makes life hard to work and then nobody cares about it that I don't enjoy my time in life "as long as I eat medicine" as their goal in the way they treat me, it's really sad like fun feelings are not really felt, even when I bought console, the anhedonia causes me can't play, it's the loss of fun feeling even during medication, then nobody cares to ask doctor about anhedonia and healing me up.

I'm so unstable now, like wondering if I will smoke again, it's really harsh how people treat like I waste money then remembering that smoking will become makruh again, I really wonder if people are treating me right, they shouldn't let me be worried or be in pain or suffering but they let me be even if I'm schizophrenic, example my mother really goes balik kampung and I'm left at home like a normal person with my brother now, my nephew goes to school, it means they actually don't believe schizophrenia will happen when they're not around, something like not caring about me mentally, then I go to I.M.H by myself everytime now, I really still hoping for the cure, then my memories can't remember more things, it's a lot of anger and sadness mixed up, like I remember doctor will create resume for me, but then I don't know if he will, or if it's the past at CleanMark, I really don't know if I will work in month of June, it's another tough journey to go through and I have no one by my side, I'm living life by myself. I wonder why everytime it's always almost finishing kind of money before the next time gets money, it's really crazy like a panic feeling when I was confident I will be okay, then suddenly it's still the same, I really don't know but I feel like my parents are heartless about money, it's really a weird experience but they let me go through this like existing an anger in my heart to last long alive, like heated up myself and maintained at a kind of hot feelings.

I wonder who reads me, my previous post have only 6 views, then if it usually happens once only per counts of view, it means like there's no gain of reader everytime, and people actually read it together, I remember of Ustaz Harun if his class actually reads my blog, something like that, sometimes many sometimes just a few people, I remember about Puan Hamidah Bahashwan that I will be posting a lot of baby videos then "know it's about me", means the "Dia" is really about me? The couple that will get $20k is really about me and whoever? Why is it like that? Why I'm made to grow older like this instead, it's been so many years since my 20+ years old, I didn't spend time with the person I love like I was made to imagined, and I think I won't have a love story with Wahdiah and Shahridah at the end of my life, they really disappeared and no psychiatrist interfered to make it a nicer feeling, they let me lose my memory multiple times without trying to have something for me to read, then I became like a no life until now reaching 38 years old, it's really sad but they are serious about things like "I will be alone", then I realized it's a long time, more than 10 years, then they don't care a man's life is like this. They let me be all alone that all I can think of is Sakinah, then what about Wahdiah and Shahridah really they're gone from my life for real? How can they just simply live after whatever we had experienced in life? It's really sad like this, like I won't move on to a better life journey or experience, I'm let to grow old and useless instead of becoming someone normal, and nobody worries about it, maybe because they feel they have money and I have too many adopted families "to give money" so they don't care where I work as, it's really crazy like they let me lose my friends for so long because of Alysha, I think still that I'm a little bit crazy now.