I go through another meaningless year, kept thinking of ward, I remember that like a Myanmar or Thailand guy that likes to bath nude at sink, it's weird I really think they don't eat their medication because became like that, he look healthy like can sleep and rest most of the time it feels so unfair, it's like he don't take medications as fact, I don't know why I feel so restless, even Ustaz do not worry of the treatment I get at there, like with crazy people walking around, and didn't try to bring me out, maybe he don't know too I was inside there. In my life I experience no tries of putting me outside ward like from family members or relatives, they let me experience the feeling that's so horrible and like a begging feeling to be out, like crying heart walking around in the ward daily, it's really bad but they have the heart to do that to me.
I was browsing Popular website just now to look at O level books, it's cheap like less than $10 and $11 usually, it's tempting to get but I remember if it will even be in Syllabus next year to learn all that, I began to wonder if I should just do it? Wonder why my life became like this, to work hard like studying first then the tricky part is if it will come out in exams, then became unsure to buy or not, I wonder what jobs I should search for it's so hard and heavy life like walking on a tight rope with a balancing stick, I can fall but I need to focus on the stick, then it became hard to earn money because focusing on the stick, but then actually I should be earning money already for being entertainer, life is so unfair, my parents really didn't support my life goals.
I'm like in a tight feeling that I should just curl myself in bed to endure the cravings of cigarettes and just lie down through the days left like the Myanmar or Thailand guy, who is still mentally sick. I don't believe he takes any medicine because of their nudity in toilet everytime like shameless action.
I imagine to video the ward if I get warded again, hopefully someone pity me like how there always have a naked big man in the ward walking around scaring my life like crazy if he walk pass, always having to avoid him in ward, his walking around makes me so loss of peace and I don't know why doctor and nurses let him walk around like that, it's like nothing wrong instead.
I feel crazy, I'm the only healthy person in the ward, like the most stable that could become insane, I have been the same group of people for years every year then this year is the end of being warded again I hope. It's really bad I don't feel good at all, I'm unsure if they will come at all to take me because every year they just come into my house to grab me to I.M.H, the reason of me being warded is skipping medicines, then there's no confirmation if I will be warded again or not. Sometimes I wish like Wahdiah or Shahridah visit me but they can't because not married to me, it's a Family-Only kind of visit, I feel like they should marry me first if it happens again, then they can visit me in ward. For many years they didn't try such thing and let me be alone with crazy people, sadly.
I miss the feelings of wanting pets in ward, I enjoy looking at pigeons and mynah, hoping that I can care for them, and they would be always following me I imagine, I really would like such thing to happen, I feel pigeon is the most stable decision to care 1 day, I hope if I don't do O level, I would care pigeons instead, I ever want to do a business of pigeons sales because people really care pigeons even if it's boring imagination, they caress them like chicken and it becomes a nice pet to care.
I really wonder what's my life going to become, I became having nothing to write in journal for days, because of no activities in life. I know on the 10th I will write "tomorrow I have I.M.H appointment", my children would see that I am crazy, then it's the first time if imagine if my children will hate me because I have I.M.H status, it's really sad but going to be the first time my children won't see it as something crazy maybe, but I don't know, I feel like a rebel to my parents and I really wonder if my children will be angry at me for being crazy, even if schizophrenia said as not crazy.
Hearing voices, mistaken someone as other identity, is something common in my life, I really don't know why my hearing and eyes are like that, it's really sad but people treat me normally like an attitude problem instead of understanding that I have schizophrenia, will hear and see things.
When I was schizophrenic I imagine if the hot feelings are from Satan or Jinn as they are made from fire and smoke(hazy vision, blurry vision), I thought it's something special I hope, then I really don't know, Ustaz didn't say anything about it so I regard it as schizophrenia symptom, I really want to see Satan and Jinn but I don't know how it can happen, then what are dark vision then if it's from walking a lot? Is it dark version of smoke and it's actually I am seeing a Jinn? Haha, I wonder what those people that can see Jinns and Satan feelings like, how come when they "talk to Jinns and Satan" are not considered as schizophrenia? Why am I different and not considered like such level of care? The heat etc. is quite crazy pain but people don't naturally give me ice water instead? I can't think well but they didnt give me ice water, it's really crazy like nobody cares and just happy if I take medicine daily, I feel like I'm being cared and tortured by a madman instead, the pleasure in life are so little, even if ujian, I am a human being but God made me go through this, God feels heaven daily but didn't help me feel a bit of the heaven, it's really sad then my soul in pain, I feel like schizophrenia is sakit jiwa/gila instead, I'm upset maybe because I'm crazy then the girls are far away from me, they didn't prove they love me by being close but distant in a dramatic care theory I think which made me sad, as my neighbours can get married and have children while I am left all alone by the girls.
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