It's weird nobody cares for me, is this the best care I can ever have in the world? I'm really happy that now is May 1st, the path to become remembering something is closer, I still remember I enter ward on 29th June at the eating area, will this be my first time remembering such thing "didn't happen again" 1 day, or first time I remember I was ever in that ward like that.
I still feeling ambitious to care pigeons, because people usually can make a pigeon fly free then they come back even like using their legs to send letters, it means they always come back and I would like to bring them to places like Tekong Park or make them fly free for some time and they come back, it means I must care for them ever since babies? Will I even have such time for pigeons? They are famous for their sounds I think, I really want to become a changed kind of life, like someone with a lifestyle, like using my data every day even if have Wifi, to explore places can I make money like that?
I saw a solo explorer "AkuRa", became quite popular with his night outs but then got one point like have a fire appearance I feel is his lighter instead, don't know why he do like that, the spark of lighter appearing at camera, then it became like a boring imagination, I rather it's empty than a lie, but I like his effort anyway, but then again it could be lights of vehicles too? I really don't know.
My n.s platoon mate "Crow Yuzree" made his toy car business for real really surprised me he really goal for such thing in life and really did it, doesn't it mean that I will really strive to become a psychologist too? I also wanted to make a portable ashtray business, to have own factory of it in Batam to keep reproducing it to sell in Singapore, I really want it to grow big and make people become buying it, I wonder if it will be successful but doctor like ever said I will make my first $10K from a business I think, but then I remember it's like story of Popeyes, I didn't work at Popeyes but have stories of me there, I didn't work at CleanMark for a long time but have stories of me becoming a manager there too, it's a matter of "if I Join or Stay", I really wonder what I will be doing in life, why will I forget that I goal to save $5K this year? What makes me memory loss again? Or is it due to every 29th June I get warded, my sickness becomes very bad everytime its close to June? I really hope I don't loss memory so bad.
May is a special month due to feeling the end when I'm reaching 38 years old, then it's suddenly 1st of June after end of May, 18 days left to my birthday, I'm really excited for the end of pain, and reaching the age of recovery or the age "I become a Wali Allah" as story of doctor, but his stories just remain a story because I don't think I will become Wali Allah in the end? I still don't know my future anyway even if doctors have said so many things. I remember asking 1 doctor to draw for me my soulmate's/future-wife's face, but then how long is it going to be?
I remember when I don't smoke, I feel like caring a terrapin, I feel like Solat and memorize Doa Iftitah, such thing, if I smoke, such things became boring or "luckily I didn't do" kind of thing, because of the time in life like wasted, but then I still Iqra sometimes anyway and still remember them, I worry I forget anyway. I feel like I can go insane if I don't smoke, I don't know why it's like that, I have nothing to do at home and just relaxing around until the end of the day. I no longer experience life like "the night is still young" sleeping late after midnight such thing, it's a proper try to sleep everytime it's 9p.m, then usually until 10+p.m, I really don't know my life really wanting this boredom from schizophrenia to end, instead of people just pushing me into treating me like having an attitude problem, then knowing schizophrenia creates the pain to not do something anyway.
Whenever the end of tobacco or cigarette I would feel like quitting then the crave comes back like a high pain into my soul, to just smoke to feel balanced and stable again, it's really hard but my strength really rely on cigarette, I remember I would see things and sleep becomes beautiful feelings in the day if I don't smoke, but I think it's just due to spiked from cigarette and maybe I would just experience something else, I remember there's a lot of noises inside ward and I would keep hearing voices like I even thought I would be earning money in ward, if do things correctly, but I think it's old days thinking because they don't want me to be crazy but actions of stability instead, the ward really made me more unstable and crazy I think, especially of the smell that happens from toilet, and sometimes people shitting on the floor too, it's really harsh but ward life really have insane people like that. People also just go nude at toilet and bath using sink water, making it a slow and little water kind of bathing.
I'm trying to remember my days in ward last year, then it feels long already, like I really survive the days and hope it doesn't happen again, the scary feelings or scare or fear maybe a prove that I have schizophrenia or quitting cigarettes as fact, it's really bad I just surviving my life like this.
Long writing made me think of life a lot more then I am unsure how many people read me, there could be 1 view but actually many viewing using the same device, or 1 printing that many shares the printing, I really don't know.
I want like a black cat and white cat to care, since baby days that they will marry each other 1 day, but I worry like their manure to throw is troublesome, then maybe don't have to care for cats at all, I wonder how I can achieve a life if i can't reach to throw their manure, but maybe if marrying Sakinah would be nice as she would have a cat that she would care for then I just living with her, haha, then play with the cat everyday. It's really tough she really ignore me like a bombshelter maybe that she don't hear my cries in my heart, that each cry in heart is a bomb, not that I tear in my eyes, then she don't know I love her truly kind of thing. She don't know I love her I believe, by her reaction it don't make sense to me, she's not being merciful at all, and it feels like torture but she continued and doesn't pity me anything at all. It's crazy like memory of my family's care if they truly cared for me at all, I wonder what she get or benefit from my love if she pretend to care, or not care at all, isn't it actually a much enjoyable life having psychics to tell stories everyday/week maybe or even month? I really don't know my estimation is like that.
Ustaz Harun didn't help me meet Sakinah is the sad thing I feel he should know I feel old already then don't want to become a childish heart kind of feeling, but I'm not close to Ustaz Harun even if he said he treat me like adik angkat, but then it could be lies of Alysha anyway, she is crazy that whatever is nice to hear or know, she interfered to create anhedonia(loss of pleasure) with her own version of story. I hope she fail in her exam and get treated late for her schizophrenia that she will memory loss after every attack. If late treatment is alot of hot feelings, it's the only payback thing, means I hope she struggle to take her medicine like me and skip also then becomes hard to recover multiple times. Skipping means feeling a lot of hotness many times and I feel that's the best revenge if she don't payback like talking to the girls many times that she's the one made them leave me by her stories, it's really bad a schizophrenic believe a story easily even if it's a bad one.
I hope I get a job soon and the learning of O levels like revision, happens this year, especially the savings of $5K+ from using the envelope, I really want to do these as my goal, these 3 are the most important one, and the job is the hardest part like I need to survive in it too.
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