It's unknown when this will be, I really feel like having a coffee table and study desk in my room but not reason of karaoke but reason of study, then I look at Zoe Lim's room have it, she reminds me of my room plan, then she have a big sofa too, reminded me of another room plan. She's so lucky her room have everything she needs, then I wonder why she's feeling like me in the past, I'm not a type of schizophrenic that disturb others but I feel like in my memory I ever fought a lot of schizophrenics in ward last time, I wonder why my memory is like this but it's really interesting how we can forget after a fight, the fight seems all to be gifted to me to win because I thought it's world war and it's japanese or people wearing a face of others, something like that. I really thought all of them are secret societies leaders too, then me becoming right hand man of all of them in ward, I thought something like that in ward, then maybe they really loss memory about it or it was a dream. It's many years ago that this happened when I thought it's world war.
Last year my last time(hopefully final) in ward, it was normal daily routine of being on the bed and looking at people, hearing voices + voices of the people inside, it's really sad how I am schizophrenic and I look at my surrounding with a messy hair usually, I'm so unlucky how the treatment in ward is like that, and even if it's not nice, I can miss the ward like due to wanting to take images and videos inside ward for an example that my family will demand me out of ward, I wanted to feel rescued when I'm in ward like doctor will let Sakinah visit me etc., but I'm too messy I guess, I wanted to be saved and be demanded out of ward successfully, nobody demanded and cared and let me feeling helpless and hopeless about myself.
In ward have people that solat using selimut then have a person that solat using shorts(just long after knee), it ever made me thought that "solat" will make us out of ward, then in the past I ever did that I think, I solat when in ward. Last year I didn't, I just look at them remembering my past in there like them, I really felt crazy and sad but I can't do anything about it.
In ward I experience hearing voices like platoon of soldiers shouting on guard for me "Muhammad Anas Khairulnizam!" the shouts I heard, it felt so realistic I thought it's Japanese war even if I take medications, I don't know why it's like that. In ward I thought I saw my nephew Jafni, my brother, my 2nd sister's ex-husband and my 1st sister's husband, I thought my father is 1 of japanese leader's father then I thought my brother is leader of the japanese soldiers. I'm so unlucky now I wonder if Alysha really did such thing to me, I thought they wear faces of people to become "other identity". Now I remember why I thought they are not my family, I thought I'm Japanese and Egyptian mix by Alysha, thought the Japanese leader's family adopted me. I really wanted to learn Japanese back then thinking I will score high due to my N level exam days scored 100% all subjects. It's really crazy I thought I'm the smartest japanese and I thought Singapore is "Little Japan" because it's called "Little Red Dot", then the flag of japanese is red circle in middle, it truly felt like Singapore is "Baby Japan" I name it, I thought the shape of Singapore will have lands addition exterior of it until the shape of Japan is formed, it's really crazy then no Police or Doctor guide me tell me I'm schizophrenic but let me think like this continuously in my life.
I thought I will be recruited by Interpol, CNB in ward as all of them in ward "looks like CNB faces" kind of potential, I thought everyone in ward was selected by government to become CNB "so the mental check must live in ward first", like a check-up. It's really crazy I was ambitious for a lot of money like $2000+/mth then it's no such thing just me schizophrenic and doctor didn't remind me "it's not a CNB application place", haha sad I still useless after I'm out of ward.
In ward I feel like life can exist, like I will be trained in Europe to become Interpol, or in America to become CIA, then it's nothing like that, I thought I'm some special genius then I figured that all schizophrenics are delusional about own self, we're all nothing in the end and nobody remind us and let our mind thinking like such so "we must take medicine daily" so our mind reset into this normality.
During my schizophrenia, I thought my family are undercover terrorists, pretending as Islam, it's really sad then nobody help me, the stress and care of my father was felt like "a world war" level of pain, then I thought a Japanese cared for me as it's too painful, and I "have nobody", I thought Dajjal is Egyptian+Japanese due to "Illuminati" "wakeupproject" that their symbol is an Egypt Pyramid instead, why if from Israel or Iran their symbol is a Pyramid? It's really weird anyway when think of Dajjal.
Now I just hope I can smoke so little and still feel the journal lifestyle that I desire despite doctor saying "if don't smoke then can feel it", I really don't understand because if they don't do it then I can't feel it as fact, I need them to be more caring towards me but they're just being normal, means no $50/2 weeks for me in life. It's really sad that life should be at least $50-$200/mth from parents then they let me suffer like this, even if schizophrenic I am expected to do my maximum stretch to work, it's really torturous I don't know why they care for me like that. It's really sad even $50 is not gained for me to save to search for Sakinah.
If they don't mind papers anymore they should at least have extra $30 but it isn't for me to summarize as $50 and give me $50. I'm let a poor life by my own effort, even if it's nice, the feeling of care is wanted then to feel stable, but it don't exist and I just live my daily life like the same person, that became a blogger now. I wonder why there's no counsellor to stabilize my family like their care and treatment + my 2nd sister's vision of "a perfect family", will she really have children with another man and Dina will have another half-sibling family? Will it be perfect? Her husband however is good that works in Makkah as Chef, means she's quite lucky to experience Makkah food if he cooks. But he's only back 1 week or 1 day per month/year so I have no chance to get to know him better too, I have to play the part of listening properly when he speaks English as it's too difficult to understand but I dont mind if he's nice.
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