Negative feelings

Nvm maybe it's not overdose by 2 pills, it's maybe shortage of cigarette, it's really weird the memory of yesterday can create me to memory loss I feel so helpless and like lighthead.

The road to 1 year of medication was not fun, my family except my brother and duit raya are the only ones that gave me money, my parents didn't support me at all, it's so repetitive like a bipolar, do they want to create me having another mental sickness? Life is no fun at all, so unstable and unhealthy heart.

It's a survival life even if not a soldier, it's like during N.S the pain still exist at this age, the difficulty of money due to their cruelty of making me poor and leaving me having no girls at all to support me, the cruelty of Sakinah, Shahridah and Wahdiah for not supporting me is bad, as my soulmate, then my lovers or ex, they just let me be living a bad life experience. I'm so unhappy with the treatment they did it to me or how they handle my life, I really need a girl 1 day then it must not be them I guess, my family however don't care if it's them or not, they just making things like normal, especially my parents not worried at all if I don't have a baby, they are turning 70 and 73 yet like this to me, it means they don't care if they die and I don't have a baby.

Boring like crazy, they are already so old but doesn't want to add comfort into my life, I can't get myself a nice girlfriend because of always staying at home, even at workplace a job that's only 1 girl and that's supervisor rank at dishwasher then the other job is hopeless, a girl won't really work as that. Im so helpless. It's like shameful feeling they bring up in my heart to live, and it's not nice at all.

I think I want to read about PSEA then save up government's money and study O level by myself and once I get A level or Degree, to leave my family forever while I then work and earn money and live my own life, since they don't care about me having no money, as something common to say or speak, so that girls becomes annoyed by me and find me irritating and worthless, my family and relatives are the ones that did this to my decision, I definitely will study hard and leave them forever when I grow old, I totally give up for their support they are turning me like a beggar's heart and pain instead, like Indonesian kids begging at the street, pestering people for money kind of heart.