New Motivation to Write

I feel like playing a game by myself like "writing new stuff" even if smoke, so I can handle the stress in school 1 day if I just loss creativity and need to smoke. Just now I saw a person like an officer of cigarette catching under the block, then she sat on the other bench next to me, really have no cigs light up and I'm happy about it. I just smoke outside the block then throw in my redbull empty tincan and throw in the bin.

I imagine myself as someone single for a long time, then I don't understand again, like made to unable to think well, when remembered that doctor said that I will become President of Singapore and MUIS, suddenly my mind jam and I can't vision myself working at 40 years old, am I really taking A levels at 40 years old? I wonder such thing. I don't see myself becoming a better person but the chances exist like I will be stable and non-smoker all of a sudden then O level journey. My journey of life is horrible, there's no nostalgia of recovery like support of parents, but like I demanded support instead, then I can't make myself withstand the difficulties of life so I will end up smoking over and over again.

Sometimes I wish life will be lighter for me to feel, I don't like the endurance just now, even if I didn't smoke for more than 12 hours, it's really a long feeling and boredom, reminded of my days at ward to be a long duration of wait until night time, then at ward we can't go out, so life really I was just at bed most of the time waiting for time to pass. It's really a scary or madness kind of feelings then I have nobody as I'm like the only sane person at there, others are like crazy, and if too normal, they freeze too much on the bed then it's suddenly abnormal to be like that, they like don't move at bed at all but the next most normal people are them(that freeze at bed most of the time).

Whatever it is, next month I will be fine already without going to be warded again, then it's my first year outside ward from 29th June - 15th August, its really sad because actually by fact, I sometimes are warded more times in a year than this fixed date(the usual date I'm warded), it's really bad but people let my life be like that, I'm like at I.M.H most of the time of my life, and my actual life been killed just like that. Doctor even if knew that at reaching 38 years old I will still be struggling about jobs, they don't worry at all is weird and they truly let the reason be "focus on medication" that I don't work, then my daily life? Doctor asked what I did, I answered Facebook and TikTok, and sometimes "walk at park", my daily life is like this then nobody really cares to help me improve my life experience, it's a boring daily journey then I am always doing that TikTok or Facebook until night time, I really need to think of an activity or else I will slowly become crazy.

Anyway, I think that "orang gila masuk syurga" as something realistic by looking how people inside crazy place are usually happy and laughing most of the time, it's really sad I am most probably judged as like that due to being in I.M.H most of the time in my life. My family somehow do not worry that I become insane sometimes, I thought, as doctor said I'm not insane/crazy but have schizophrenia.

I wonder how to become a happy person, I read a quote it's to not expect from people but expect more from ownself, I wonder how to make myself go to work a lot more but I just remembered that I plan to focus on medicine anyway, to just be like this until it's O level. I really need to know how to plan my life because it's a lazy heavy feeling most of the time, then I don't know how to spend my time I only felt like jogging every weekend then suddenly it's a lot of walking that causes me to feel like dark vision most of the time, it's really something that makes me feel that I can't/haven't recover and even if now is the moment of year that I usually loss my memory, I take medicine daily now and successfully reached 13th May 2026, it means I will somehow recover by end of May or end of June, something like that, I hope the feelings will be different as usually I will lose my memory in May until June, I will become schizophrenic and thought my life as a Soldier, 15 years old, Arsenal F.C will hire me, etc. it's really sad why schizophrenia are not insanity that causes lesser attention or help to me a schizophrenic? Whenever I'm all alone, I thought I will earn by throwing bottles etc. keeping the place clean, so I will usually collect bottles in my room and throw expecting money to appear into my life, it's really sad how I became like crazy like this.

My parents somehow just let me live my life even if it's turning bad then suddenly 29th June I would be warded into I.M.H, only my parents, 2nd sister and Dina would visit me usually then I will have no life in there, like thinking of the food and fruit, it's a lot of hunger being settled due to the amount but it's still a boring life like will usually feel hungry at the same timing most of the time. I don't know why none of them tried to bring me out and why I experience ward life like thinking my 1st sister is the nurse, my 2nd sister is the O.T, my eyes suddenly became confused like "it's world war and my family is everywhere I go and they got the status of wellness(nurse) while I get insanity(schizophrenia)", I thought Singapore at war with Japan and I'm at the shelter point in I.M.H as a soldier to relax(this happens even if I take medicine daily), it's really weird I wonder what others thought when in I.M.H.

My last visit at I.M.H I saw a patient that was same ward as me but I didn't say "hi" because I suspect most probably that they have forgotten about me, because schizophrenia, I usually forgot the people inside ward with me, until the next time, which feels like the first time, except last year it feels like the 2nd time at ward, I'm really recovering then I thought "as I remember the ward life this time", I feel this way.

I remembered that all of them looks more healthier than me even if they're at bed most of the time, meaning that they are actually mentally unstable, like me too, they're just the next "group of people" like aware of the surrounding in I.M.H, the rest are like "in a different world" kind of walks in their life, then there's 1 that became frozen with phone most of the time always the same pose and have someone attending to him, it's really scary I imagine their mind actually the same everyday so I suspect maybe they don't eat their medicine most of the time as "became frozen at bed", I tried my best to sleep every afternoon, making myself "frozen at bed" but then it always fail, I end up exercising instead most of the time. I imagine my family watching me at camera of ward then like supporting me to keep taking medicine when at ward, then actually none of them cares about me when I am back home, lol. It's really different life imagination, I was expecting a life like a lot of happiness to be created when I'm outside ward, like made to feel the life outside with parents to belanja me, then it's nothing like that but daily life like this. It's quite scary then it feels like torture, but I have to live on like this, it's almost 1 year anyway.