My mother received a message from a doctor to not care about anak2, as "semua ada rezeki masing-masing", it's really crazy I don't even have a job at almost 38 years old, becoming a useless man then such message instead. It's unfair how I feel it's a repeat then I didn't read it completely. I just feel my parents are created to not give me money by doctors because they want to discipline me into a lesser spending type of person, they know theres no cure in their education but they let me wait and think "maybe they waiting for a lucky moment that a cure exist for schizophrenia to pay a lot of money", thinking positively of them doesn't create them nicer to us, they really rather give money to girls like Alysha that like to bully their own granddaughter that I heard will be sued 1 day and receiving $5000 for the continuously bully when she was a toddler, then it's the past then I don't know if Dina will really receive such amount of money.
As doctors treat feelings like "not something painful", due to treatment by them, they want to let mind be thinking "I'm in a coma that's why exist physical pain at my body and it's called mental sickness, I'm in a nightmare/dream that someone will save me and wake me up from coma 1 day", they let me feel I have no wasted my life, they let the days just happen with missing a lot of experiences. It's just disappointing if suing own parents can get money from them, then I just am not that type of person, then it means I've been right that they should still be supporting me and giving me money. It's really crazy how a doctor got involved about pushing life into a "no money", we think nicely for their life like buying 100+ drink when they're at 90 years old as doctor said they will die at 100+ years old, then they still want to get doctors to push money away from us. They feel they're the only adults that can think well, when I actually have ever scored high for my N level, I definitely am right about something here, it's definitely torture from my parents as fact.
It's really sad how no one is backing me up, even my 2nd sister's ex-husband not around because they have divorced, but then if he ever pointed knife at Dina(his own daughter when she was a baby), how to believe he's a better parenting care instead. I feel I have schizophrenia shouldn't be beaten by parents when I don't wake up for school, it's really bad and I feel they're actually the same, maybe all of them don't know how to care for their children.
My luck in life having nobody but people that have grown into a high status "to handle" my life instead of "caring my life", I have no freedom no matter how it looks like as I'm not updated about litterbug hunters like they wanting me preyed into a shock and panic, it's really their bad/evil side that I feel a part of their traits in their lineage "of not knowing how to care someone". It's really sad my luck with so many adopted parents then all don't know how to care, causing my life in misery, fake happiness and a lot of anger. I think I'm just like someone that don't eat medicine, my feelings, that they regard as schizophrenic, then they let me anhedonic from medicine and don't pity me like buying pleasures for myself, it's a little crazy kind of care, like bits of Alysha's happiness most of the time at the end of "the imagination of pain", then they start all over choosing the same type of care to me instead. I feel they really will put me into insanity, or I feel like punching a hole into my skull and brain causing me into retardation, because they just don't care, maybe then they would have a lot of money to save as all they need is feeding me so little food as I became stupid and retarded.
I feel like doing self-surgery on myself because of reasons that it's public instead then as doctors as psychic don't talk about it to me for a long time already but only once, it's really bad I feel like a stupid man and my bloodflow is not good too, I think I'm definitely losing my mental strength right now as litterbug hunters are active in my mind and imagination. They caused panic into my life for a whole 1 week waiting for them then hoping they don't appear on Friday, I'm so unlucky nobody really cares about me.
There's no use having so many adopted family if they want us to decide into their way of life, that our body can't handle or take it, now I'm an adult like some people my age at 40+ maybe will become a grandparent already, it's really crazy they just let me live on my own without getting my lover, all of them busy with work and can't get someone I love for me, her mind is stuck into just the vision of a girl "that a man need to attract first" instead of feeling her character or personality into my lifestyle, it's really sad to have no care of the girl we love that's been over 30 years long, it's really insane my life, that even if Alysha is maybe crazy+schizophrenia, I feel sometimes I became crazy+schizophrenia in secret, I don't think I'm well like listening to music I will move my head by myself to the tunes, as I'm not a dancer type of person. I think I'm unhealthy if do something like a dancer, it's really a crazy thing.
I tried to make myself happy to create a nostalgic feeling in future, but the memories are all dull because of litterbug hunters kind of worries in my mind. It's just not ending yet, and today is only the 3rd day, tomorrow is Thursday the 1 week "ago" littering was done, it's crazy Law maybe it's a level like I.M.H nurse that was sentenced in court and punished, I'm so unlucky met so many crazy people that's aggressive in choosing to get us to feel something so bad in life then have status of authority(like nurse can tap card to open electronic lock), it's so unfair life have to experience all these in secret like "secret attacks" like a "secret big litter".
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