I wonder what will happen on 10.09, will Shahridah appear? I really don't know, I feel like giving up on all of the girls but then I don't think I can fall in love anymore, the feelings girls cant make me fall in love as something real, it's hard to believe but I don't believe I can do well in my life to have a love story it's been made impossible by my own parents anyway, they didn't support me with money at all.
I think I will give up soon and just live my life as normal as I can be, next year is O level anyway then after Psychology Course to learn about Islam anyway, I really don't think I will get married like story of doctors, but my heart still can't leave the girls somehow, I hope doctors help my feelings, it's crazy they let me suffer for so long all alone while they got a good job by me and each of them stayed in their job place that was my effort, it's really interesting a hacker like can do many things, I know doctor said that I will earn $20k/mth just by being a hacker, then I think it will happen 1 day, then having no girls is okay I guess, I will become rich for my niece and nephews, then we still can have fun exploring scary places with my lorry hopefully 1 day, it's really like something I would really make to happen in life.
I would go back to computer usage 1 day to just make website about this, my blog to have domain, and to have family forum to include my adopted family in it then hope I have a happier life connected to everyone that feels that I am important. Having viewers even if I don't contact anyone proves I am maybe someone important to people, I really don't know but I hope it's what it means, to have 20 or 21, and maximum is 25 usually, means that someone really at attention to my blog, because at night I had 0 viewer it means it's been humans clicking my blog link.
I'm different than Sakinah, maybe daily have frequent visit to her Facebook, maybe more admired than me, but I dont think like a lover would really watch me everyday, but I don't know.
I wonder how I will give up is October is not here yet, then I really don't know who will appear for me if theres no one that appeared, will I be really left alone at City Hall Merlion? I really dont put hope on it, and I feel like nobody is appearing at all, it would be special day but I guess nobody really/truly cares anyway.
The attention I get could be because of writing of Rasullullah by my photo images in my Facebook, then I really don't know even about P.A.P, due to schizophrenia I really hear voices that had created me to write stuff then displayed like I am the maker of such sentence or feelings, like I really thought im Dajjal for so long then I still didn't pray to Wall like a Jew, it's really crazy I'm made into a scariest feeling(being a non-muslim) for so many years, and thought I would have to war Muslim so I plan Ramadan to be the War Day, as all Muslims are weaker on that day, then I am A Muslim myself in the end and not Dajjal like story of Alysha that lied to me.
I am really giving up but I can't stop thinking of Sakinah and other girls, it's like nobody cares about me, I hope this age 38 years old I can meet Sakinah because it's my recovery age, then it's going to be the last goodbye most probably, if she somehow create me to hate her already, it's really sad because nobody cares to match me and Sakinah, just like a keep in touch didn't happen between us, and it's always during critical moment, like suicide = try to force ownself to have a child with random girl, then she will appear to bring me happiness and cancel the plan, it's not that I won't try for suicide in the past, but she really appeared in my life again, that I hope this last time she will appear as I'm too old already.
I hope next year Lyanie will go to school too, but I will be 39 years old next year so I don't know if BMC really still take students at that time, I really want to become O level, A level person at least, then try for Psychology in the end, I really don't know my road in my life, but I still have the same desire to learn again, it just takes time to live it up again I guess, I really don't know at all.
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