There's no recovery to my sickness is what the nurse told me except constant medications, which is sad because I've ever read about people being cured, then it's something permanent in my life I have to succumb and endure, the nurses won't even talk about the cured people as maybe it easily skips the topic of cure and let it just a reminder that "there's no cure" the nurse said, it's something like diabetes having to take medicine daily to control the symptom, it's weird then I guess nurse shouldn't answer such thing and only doctors should, it's just painful answer after reading about cure, in jobclub have a news poster about someone got cured from schizophrenia then it can't happen to me, it sucks and scary how my neighbours have gone through it so many years without being cured, then I imagine my first year of medications have no nice treatment except normal usual daily stuff common sense like birthday celebration to go out, they don't treat me nice at all, like reminding to work, its like a doctor telling to work maybe then not an expert about it, because I can feel in pain but then still suggest if I will lose money from not working completely, or not get money at all. Doctors definitely are not the adviser of my life except to heed them only in matters of medicine consumption, other matter are just their personal opinion like smoking as something bad. Soldiers smoke to feel balance and stable, to be good in war, but they dont like this reason I assume, then it's made expensive by the government to create more difficulty to me, they totally don't care at all. No wonder people in the past can try many jobs because smoking are cheaper at that time and finally land a good job that they can buy cigarette even in this era.
I'm so unlucky how people even in my own family don't let me out of ward at that time, I definitely feel tortured, and they don't think when they talk, like will hurt me most of the time, I know in the end, they don't even wait for 1 year of medications to give me money, but will tell me to work instead, they are not happy even if I've tried my best and will be unhappy if I don't work, implying like I am a lazy person instead.
I think they really energized me to leave Sakinah completely and just ruin my own chances because actually she gave none, then I can't control doctor and relative to not visit her anymore, I mean to just leave her alone until the day she got schizophrenia then go to doctor herself and take medicine, all on her own, it feels the treatment to my life is like this, they're not nice to me including Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah.
I think 1 day I will just try to fuck prostitute until they got pregnant to ruin myself because people are heartless to me, I think it's the best revenge to just create like an art of war that family have been ruined permanently, because the scar they doing to me by a lot of unhappiness they really don't reflect to matters like my 2nd sister really go out with other man breaking the point of marriage, means if my 2nd sister made wrong decision, then my relatives and family makes wrong decisions too, it's in the bloodline, then nobody becomes a psychologist to fix it, even doctors made mistake like giving me jobclub treatment and JOD that I lose money even after hard work. I think a nicer treatment would be needing like a counsellor to speak for us what we want in life, but the counsellor will have to side us if not it's like adding another poison into life. I feel like my family are poisonous in their mouth and care, it's painful I have been taking medicine daily but they are not nice to me even if it's reaching 1 year, like I need to become until writing this down. It's really sad like a horror movie where I will die a sad life as fact, then my ghost haunts my family members for revenge, it's just too much this way of care is so unstable.
Wanting me perfect but they're not perfect themselves, especially have ruined the family image, even if I have tattoos, I don't "marry 2nd time" like my 2nd sister, then her history is messed up girl "that have slept with other men" instead even if she don't do it secretly, it's something she had imaged herself on others, the impression that marriage is sex anyway, ruining the perfection of a love story especially of a family, having a permanent scar that someone will keep remembering instead of "peaceful and lovely" family. Tattoos can be removed but sleeping with other men as profile history cant be deleted at all. I hope the insanity ends and doctor just diagnose her with schizophrenia due to her messy decision. But someone schizophrenic will feel like not needing to shower, then maybe shes not schizophrenia after all but an attitude problem.
Nobody help me for Sakinah that it's been over 15 years, then they only lied to me that they will help me to get my side in their stories, it's nothing important then their life but what about mine I'm really turning 40 years old and "want to get married badly" as profile because of their neglection. I feel neglected like why they have a child, why I am this family, like they using adopted family members to always kill my happiness with their decision.
If psychiatrist don't understand me like giving me bad jobs and losing my money, I feel my life exist hell like no one would confront Alysha anymore, even her parents, means to receive totally no help at all. Even my neighbour witnessed Alysha's attacks and nobody made a police report for the bad feelings she created to feel, I'm so unlucky in life like a punching bag of sentences(hearing voices and real people[Alysha] saying bad stuff creating bad feelings) then "in future"(now) to anticipate common sense and hearing voices of it too like: solat, work, "or else" they will express something poisonous to my heart or mind, a kind of pain can be created to me just by their expression, I feel so unlucky my family members are not smart people. I'm let to suffer like my mother lie I only been warded 2 times.
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