Vision of my life

June, July or August to buy English Essay and live my life as a studying person, it's the only way to be successful next year, O level is really a high level and difficult exam, I'm too old for this maybe but schizophrenia made me this way, it's really too much but I think my family don't mind that I take O level next year, I don't know why they are not supportive but my life is like that, everyday it's a dull feeling, I have to be revenging like "leave my parents forever" then I became energized to study hard, because in the end my parents didn't really support me as my pleasures of life mostly from government's money.

It's going to be a tough learning experience? I really don't know if I will score well too, it's really hard but I want to do well and then just now I feel like I'm not going to learn O level at all because doctor ever said that I will become President of Singapore and MUIS, I really will become someone like that? It's really too intelligent and my history is so bad already, something that I can't make it in life, I don't know why doctor said such thing but I plan to have an enjoyable life, w.w.f.g to start 1 day until maybe 60 years old, like how sfogs exist until today in a different name as the place of reading the stories sent to them. I hope it will be fun nights and I don't know how I can do it if O level is next year, maybe after Degree then I thought? What am I going to work as if I don't have all these? Why they let me struggle even at this age? I'm not doing well in life, I'm still on medications daily, then still "difficult" about jobs, it feels like a huge problem but my parents don't care I feel problematic, I don't know how many times I must write "nobody cares" for someone to start helping me out, then it didn't happen and I'm feeling the stretch like pain from wanting help from others, it's really no use, nothing will make my parents help me it seems like that.

I feel like I will not get married until old age and my parents don't care about Sakinah, I'm so close to 40 years old and they don't mind Sakinah probably will become fat and uglier before meeting me again, it's really sad they don't support my love story I feel like I should masturbate at imagining Sakinah's mother or aunt then my heart will feel it's the end, I think what doctor meant by becoming crazy is that, I will probably die of heart attack due to my efforts, "orang gila masuk syurga", tak mati macam mana nak masuk syurga, so I think it's definitely death really close to me, too dramatic but I think if we kept becoming unhappy too many times eventually we will die anyway, as it's a sad life. I think it's something secretly true like a cancer knowing their death date and saying goodbye first, the story of a Christian that died and asking people to go to her funeral, they really knew their death date first if have cancer.

I'm so unhappy, but when will I become crazy? After Sakinah's marriage or have own baby? Then she don't keep in touch with me to keep it a secret anyway, it's really torture but she feels it's good, means her flaw is that she don't know how to care my heart like my parents. It's really bad, I don't feel bad losing her now because the understanding of bad care will happen again anyway, it's really a scary life journey my life.

I vision myself as a studious person June onwards but I don't know if it will really happen, it is really sad how nobody is supportive and they only probably just wait for next year, it's really crazy, it's O level then nobody cares, like N level I was scoring high alone and thinking of leaving my family forever, it's really their balasan anyway, but they don't care to be sad to lose me anyway.