I don't know how to not expect too much from people after they have promised something, if it's not true I wish to just cut ties and conversation anymore with them, it's real but they know my address anyway "to gift me stuff", I remember when I loss memory they took my I.C and looked at my address, something like that, it just makes me feeling happier like "it's true they are gifting me stuff" "for the black magic". Black magic beliefs and actions made me believe I have no friends, money makes me think if I should write stuff, their belief is odd but to consider it as pity money is something normal a schizophrenic should be getting money due to difficulty of working.
Why they chant mantra of black magic to me if they are my friends? It means I don't have friends in N.S days? I really can't do anything about it but just believe them the occurrence of "white eye"(I suddenly memory loss) happens right after their chant - that's what they said, then they claim "if I'm friendly my eyes would turn white", then it turned white. If there's so many people chanting stuff on me, what would have happened if my eyes don't turn white?
I really wonder what makes them do such thing to me but I just live on believing their story of giving me money as penalty which I still want to take if it's pity money anyway.
It means I don't have friends at all?
My anger was them believing in black magic, then if my eyes didn't turn white, what would have happened to me, I get beaten up? I wonder such thing, but doctor was around on that day, he reached first and witnessed everything, he wanted to take me to I.M.H, it's really weird doctor is "on time" or "really psychic", as it's coincidental to my warding moment everytime.
Whatever it is, if pity money flows into my life, I would become a richer man, but maybe it's schizophrenia made me believe them, but they did no harm to me at all. I hope counsellor exist to talk about it to them, then somehow money can flow into my life if they have judged me as harmless due to white eye moment.
Imagine N.S are a lot of people then everyone black magic, it means I have no friends right? Some claim it's a shield or protection for me, something like that. I really just write anyway, hoping I don't lose contact with anyone even after writing this down. It's my birthday anyway, a special day to feel better.
It's like a dilemma of money or friendship, or money and friendship? Even money or stories, I choose stories anyway as it's believable people that end up reading this that I will have a family forum of invitation to adopted families to join the secret forum with password 1 day. It's like to keep updated and news about family.
There's more like secret stories but if only my family or adopted family reads, it should be fine to write because in the end I communicate with them peacefully anyway, it's just my luck feeling uneasy about my life and future, I had no money and not given money kind of lifestyle then of course friends and secret societies are my target to receive help, then I can't seem to gain help from anyone, everyone left me poor and helpless, I feel so hopeless. My energy to write keeps reminded of trusted people as readers then I think it will be fine to write stories 1 day. It's for my future children to read anyway.
The situation of Epul is that he have a lot of friends and he regard me as his adopted brother, then he plan to use his friends when I'm 38 years old, about 200 friends to keep looking out for me if I'm going out with his love - "Roslinda". I look that he have a different lover already then he believed me totally as fact then I really want him to write to counsellor to Club Heal to help me anyway(another story). I really don't know but his theory of caring me is having his friends to look after me, also he plan to connect everyone into I.R.C(that he need my help to do this) and make it a chat network for his friends' movement plan(like goaling and achieve in life), like helping "friends get a lover" to go places to wait and "if the girl appear" to approach and "offer $2000 to go out with me"(for example Sakinah), her face is hard to find because she looks different in picture and reality, I still love her anyway. That's the story of Epul, he just wants to help me get the person I love.
I really need a counsellor for other reason like supporting me to get my own Computer Lifestyle, it's really boring my life if kept having to go to my brother's room to use computer, why not I have my own computer table to use computer and study on it too? I want to become someone studious 1 day.
Another thing I need counsellor is I want a police report like to happen about Alysha but just for suing her only, that's all. I really don't know what to do, even a schizophrenic mind my family and relatives like making me handle these myself, I receive no support at all to get money from Alysha for her attacks to me in the past other than for Dina due to Alysha's bully when she was a toddler. It's so unfair the pain Dina felt then she probably forgot or don't remember, because in the end she kept being with Alysha over and over again, it's so annoying seeing someone that was made to cry a lot but then happy spending time with the bully, then it would disturb Dina's happiness anyway if I interfere, because she wants a friend at that time/age, I really have schizophrenia anyway, so my weak mind my families/relatives did not support me too and think of Dina to not play with Alysha anymore, but now she don't and I hope it's forever as she's 19 now, an adult, or 21 years old then adult, it doesn't matter but the point is Alysha was the one that physically pain Dina when Dina was a baby/toddler. I'm so unhappy how Alysha get away with it. I hope someone help me instead of me handling this myself because Club Heal doesn't support me at all.
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