Endurance

I think life is a lot more endurance even if I take medications daily, I really need to be healthy in this kind of treatment in life. There's no chance to receive help from counsellor as I want a kind of planner in my life, then I just have to stand up on my own and plan myself as I can't do anything about this.

Merana, tapi hidup "memang macam gini" ape nak buat.

Everyday I think of the same thing in my mind - Wahdiah, Shahridah and Sakinah. It's always the same 3 girls in my mind, I wonder what happened in my life why suddenly the change of behaviour or attitude towards me by Shahridah and Wahdiah? I really have no support in life and they seem okay about it. I really can't do anything in my life I am stucked as counsellor choose the normal same replies to me, or the admin - then it's their choice I really don't know who is looking after me in my life. Maybe doctor suggested to not respond to me because of smoking? I don't know, I really can't do anything else but endure and suffer in this life.

They feel they are the best decision somehow then I can't do anything about it. I can't change their mind at all, all I vision now is a suffering until a surprise within this year "that a sudden care happens" as I will be quitting smoking already.

Interesting stories for counsellor didn't trigger Club Heal to contact me again, I am dead meat all alone in life. I wonder why nobody cares but I have to endure like the same as last year for another year. This year will be different that my niece and nephews don't get NDP tickets and I will be spending time at home for July and August - my first time this year, that's the only difference and nothing really new in my life. It's going to be the same unsupportive life journey? My O level really going to be nothing kind of support? I think being independent is what I need if counsellor won't support me, I only need to goal for a just pass in O level then, it's going to be the best decision like that because I know I can't be stronger in education if my parents are boring like the past - in the past I have Wahdiah so it's different I can really study well, this time I have nobody I am dead.

A life journey imagining 40 years old as something stucked in life, because if I'm studying it's going to be my A level? Why is it like that, so close to A level yet I'm not feeling anything in life? Why people don't mind that I just pass in exam?

As an adult, I feel this childish treatment made me like a childish person, the anger in heart causes this like a childish person, I really can't do anything about it, I'm helpless.

Today my blog received 19 viewers it's really a lot and shocking to me, I really don't know where they all came from, I try my best to get a lot of viewers just for an advertisement chance to earn money from blogging.

Just 8 days going to be July, time really flies like nothing, It's considered like a fast journey for another year in life? I really don't know.

I know in ward I thought the shit are mixture of milo and curry and I almost ate them, if I don't smoke that is, smoking makes our mind more alert and think better and support our mentality I think, it's really crazy then no doctors as psychic support me by reminding me it's really shit, I feel no fear(or disgusted) looking at them and considered them as food that's been thrown away. It's really bad I wonder why even if on medications it's still like that?

I really must try looking for a counsellor again, so that my family adjust their way of caring me and don't mind if I don't become poor, they seem to be okay if I became poor, I need them to not be okay about it to feel stable in life "always having money" even to buy laptop such thing.

My independence will be from my friends too as I will have to buy computer myself, I think I'm saving up government's money just for this, I thought 38 years old I will be playing computer with doctor but it looks like it's not happening at all. I don't know why such stories in my mind, maybe Alysha again had fooled me, the voices of hers like going to be gone soon I think, it became softer for 2 days already as I gain more peace at that time.

Even if it will take a long time I plan to just do it, I don't know why it's like this but my life are not like others, people get their life to experience nice stuff daily but I suffer daily instead. Life is boring, I hope I don't feel suicidal anymore and just live the best life I can live. No money, no honey I guess.