Grown old

Even Shahridah don't visit me yesterday, our plan was to talk about marriage at that year/age, maybe her name having Mdm means she's got somebody already anyway, it's my birthday then she don't even appear during my recovery age, it's really sad my life's love story, like why do I have to feel and endure heartache when something didn't even happen? It's really bad Alysha, I almost suicide I think, I remember hearing voices to jump when looking out outside, then I wonder if Alysha really tried to kill me or it's just different kind of voices like "my mind", it's really crazy, it's too scary to jump, imagining crushed bones are too much.

Wahdiah seemed to have forgotten me.

R doesn't really matter to me I guess she's been living a life I don't exist anyway.

Epul and Naim tomorrow is Saturday but I still hard to believe them.

Why they made my mind and heart believed of them giving me stuff during my 38th years old? It's expensive items anyway, both above $1500 so I don't really mind not being given anything I hope my heart feels calmer and cooler.

Whatever the happiest feeling I will get this age, I hope it happens sooner and not really because of scoring 100% in O level next year, I really want it to be something else.

It's really heavy the life I gone through, I really have nobody siding me my entire life, I am just getting myself ready to be alone as counsellor's decision really looked final, it's really the end nobody can change their mind I guess, they won't even try to help me quit smoking by calculation, it's really bad I am so lazy to calculate.

I hope I gain strength in life to endure another 1 year life journey and really hope I recover on 29th June. Voices of Alysha is really loud and it's a true suffering kind of words, maybe what I wrote are from her voices too, it's really bad I hope Satan really witnessed her attacks, and copied her and she turn into a Kafir 1 day, I don't even enjoy my 38th birthday because Alysha didn't gift me her penalties, it's really crazy waited for so long, I guess I'm just made to suffer in this life.

Even if the growth and improvement of myself is yearly thing, I really feel it's harsh and I will want to try a cheaper counsellor for myself, I will browse and look around because life's just too heavy.

I remembered about the days of the past, talking to Naim and Epul, about being undercover to be employed by Police, then I think if they considered me their adopted family member I should be okay to just write anyway, 38th birthday supposed to be my happiest age of my life as said by doctor, I try to maintain the happiness to keep existing, there's no readers anyway, only 4 until last one have 21, but probably someone multiple clicks on it anyway.

In forum will have "undercover secret society", "undercover black pirate" etc. then will have plans and updates of each other's family and relatives to note and know each other(my motive is to recognize faces of my relatives). It will be harsh life journey, my resume in the end to be employed by police is joining a secret society and getting high ranks in it, but I guess it's kinda crazy I became desperate knowing my achievement in life as low, but I know I have scored 100% in all subjects during my N level making me confident of doing this 1 day, I think if my family or relatives given me money, I wouldn't have done this stunt, I hope they just help me anyway, I receive no money from them proves that they don't care about me like my family(my brother gave $1200 total at 37 years old). 38 years old is like a mission life because I will be studying hard for O level the 6th month of it, starting in January, then I plan to study hard anyway, I increased energy to study again and I'm happy wanting this momentum of wanting to achieve high in life to keep existing.

1 day I will remove my tattoos(I hope before I start school next year but counsellor doesn't help me I have to handle myself), then it will cause like a fear of my friends because I became someone "no tattoos" like a Wali Allah will cause fear to my friends because Din, Sadiq and Razli maybe becoming Wali Allah doctor said before, it's time to change into a better life experience 1 day anyway whatever happening to me. The only goal is easy which is to not become a Mastermind in life even if I'm potential 2nd dangerous "mastermind" in the world after the Dajjal/Antichrist.

Stories like "becoming right hand man of Imam Mahdi" from doctor made me happy how I will meet Imam Mahdi anyway even if I won't become the right hand man, it's not my goal and motive in life, I just want to get the love of my life.

Today looks like a sad day as fact, as I have grown older reaching 40 years old in 2 years, then I don't feel anyone siding me or emailing counsellor to negotiate for me and help me in my life, I just being my strong part of myself to be alone in this life journey like a man that maybe will survive until "pocket money of school", it's really nothing my life. I just need to improve yearly as usual if it's taking so long for my soulmate to appear anyway.

I will have to believe like my mother about how she said "akan jumpa jodoh di syurga", that is if Sakinah really married and have babies, I intend to not have any future with her at all, means I will confirm a break-up of relationship-chances myself by killing the chances.

Other method of suicide intent is getting a girl, then masturbating to their cousin/sister and then have babies with the girl, I really going crazy due to this loneliness but nobody helped me at all. Everyone is so heartless about my life's love story, they truly let it happen and pass by my life to experience it fully "like a man with no schizophrenia", I receive no love support at all and disappointed with everyone. I am like a meditation to 29th June, to be disappointed again I guess, as I don't believe I will recover by then too. Tough my life as a schizophrenic, people don't even try to win me an insurance sum to survive this life. Everyone secretly like have stabbed my back even if the girl I love truly willing to tunang with Monkeyface boy, it means the reality struck me that I will feel like I'm in a coma and just will wake up into reality 1 day, life is too painful it's like not real, it feels like I will die instead of revenging Sakinah first if she have babies or married, I think lovesick exist some years ago ever since I wanted a healing from "pengubat", I always love to watch lovesick dramas and wanting them to get the person they love, I wish life is like a drama series or movies, then definitely I would have known Sakinah will be mine.

I think I won't have enough time to be a freak and die from lovesickness if love story don't match like I wish, like if I confirmed Aby as married someone else, I think I will die too(a natural lovesick death).