Independent Man

Hahaha, just looking at myself thinking what I'm going to become in life, I really looked normal not like a gangster, then I'm someone that's not working for so long in life, I don't earn money like other people, I'm not fit like other people because I have schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is my diagnosis but people treat me like I am normal person instead, I don't get the special care like offered for more pleasures in life because of anhedonia due to schizophrenia medicine, catatonia is not thought of by others as a hot feelings in body that we have to endure, if it immobilizes it's like being in a strapped jacket already but nobody cares, it's like a sleep paralysis where our body can't move, it never happen to me for a long time already ever since taking medications, for almost 1 year I don't get the sleep paralysis already.

I have been feeling better for 3 days like that, then I can't take it how the feelings was only a while, it still feels the same but better, the boredom like comes back sometimes and I can't do anything about it. I wonder why people let me suffer in life but their treatment are so selfish I think. Even Club Heal only sounds nicer to receive a kind of writing information, then in the end didn't help me at all, it's so disappointing.

I really think Club Heal is right on being the best free counsellor available, the others probably will get us called into I.M.H and be warded, it's really bad the vision and imagination, I really have no hope. They also didn't want to get me friends as didn't respond to me, it's really disappointing. I wonder what to do in life, when I can make it to be receiving help, I don't understand of needing to do this alone, it's really a harsh feelings in my heart, my mind is just thinking about nicer life if a counsellor sides me, I can only imagine my family being nicer to me if a counsellor helps me, then I have no help and support of anyone. It becomes okay to leave or lose anyone in life now I think, I guess I have no choice but to only try for Sakinah and kills the chances of other relationships, it's the only thing in my mind that can make me feel better, I suffer and they are not intelligent enough to help me when in need, they let me have nothing when I need them, their working life really destroys our relationship already.

There's no hope for other free counsellors, I just can't find any, even when searching for 1 I don't see the link of Club Heal, so maybe there still exist free counsellors somewhere that didn't appear on list, I have to keep trying or not? Why is it like this my life?

If I will destroy my relationship with Wahdiah and Shahridah, I imagine them suing me for leaving them 1 day if I left them, I just can't have a peaceful life, they didn't put effort to keep me in their life at all, they let life goes on like this kind of pressure and little pleasure felt, I grown fat but I am not pleasured at all, anhedonia killed my life but they didn't sue Alysha at all, they let Alysha walk freely in life and forgetting about her totally. They are useless girlfriends if I can judge them. So disappointing, didn't even help to make me have money in life, they let the suffering continue for more than 14 years already.

What do I have to do to feel better in life? Games? I bought handheld console. Smoke? I havent quit. I think people just liking if I experience deadmeat in life. It's just too bad for me.