There's no guide how they can play PS2 Games, I only tried God of War II then it can play but then probably fail in the extraction even if playable, it's really bad experience in this handheld console I don't know how to get Singaporeans to do stuff for me, I wonder about games places if they can upload anything for me.
I feel there's no hope that I will get a counsellor to help me, I feel like my brain becomes hard and I can't think well, I just have to endure being alone in this useless life journey, being told as potential 2nd rank mastermind world wide but then there's no government recruitment movement on me, it's bad I really want to work for government, I should become a soldier with such ranking in the world. It's 2nd rank after the antichrist dajjal and police or s.a.f didn't quickly recruit me or train me something to become a genius in a subject or something. Then I'm ranked as top hacker in the world then government don't recruit me still, why government wasting their time from allowing me to hack and spy others' computer, a lot of terrorism movement can be blocked by hacking but they just don't employ me "just like that", they let me become a poor man despite my good ranks and potential. I am also a potential psychologist said by doctor, then they really going to wait that I take O level first before recruiting me? Government is so slow, I'm becoming bored of having no money in life. I hope they recruit me to work during my O level like undercover to get drugs activity in school or gangsterism activity even, it's so boring my life, like I need to plan everything by myself then serve the law, but if plan by own self will make me mastermind that goes to prison for 2 years? Why is Law not helping me like supporting me for O level so I can have more money? Does PSEA still exist as the only support? I really want more in life then I am growing old and achieving nothing in life.
Tomorrow is a special day, a day I wonder if my friends etc. remember me and give me money/computer/laptop like they have promised, the way doctor speak it's like even until August I will be left alone with nothing just getting government's money, means my birthday I won't receive any presents/gifts maybe? Why is it taking so long to have fun in life? Maybe this year I won't have fun at all then suddenly studying hard next year for O level? I really feel helpless without a guide and hopeless in my future, like I have no future at all, it's harsh this life like this.
Even if doctor knew I won't suicide then doctor don't feel like I can become crazy by thinking of money? Always at home? A smoker then suddenly nothing to smoke will make the time become slow moving and boring like one of a kind? They don't let me try to see the world but it's like a situation I feel trapped in life, like I can't do anything else except wait for the day to change like O level I will start receiving pocket money everyday for school, then start saving up again, then if August I'm really getting $850, spending $10 on Mew nametag, then $120 for my Simba, it's just $720 left to survive until December then September getting $600 and December getting $250, I definitely will survive but they really don't plan to get me friends that use handheld console to make mine neat? It's messy now I will delete all the s.s games and Dreamcast games, it's the same title from 1 installation appearing as multiple games in listing, I really need to have computer to try other things for my RG477V because it's all done by the console itself, it means I organize only 1 by 1 kind of installation on big games.
I wonder if Alan Wong would contact me back to do this console for me but I guess I don't trust him anyway that he can know how to install games inside for me, I think I will need to try at shops to install the games, wonder which shop helps to do it, it's really heavy my life journey and experience like a lot of stuck or stoppage because of anhedonia. I remember cigarette will make like lying a lot then my counsellor don't like that I smoke, then I try my best to maintain as not a liar if it's real, maybe it's the fluoxetine causing the feelings to be different after feeling sad, even the memories of Alysha's lies made me feel satisfied due to the medication, I'm supposed to feel depressed and sad, it's just a different feeling, I hope doctors have like a happy pill for me but they don't give such thing to me, I wonder what to do in life if doctor strict on what they give me. I'm not going to have fun if anhedonia will stretch for another year, 31st August will be like 2 3 months after 1 year of medications then doctor really heartless to let me experience anhedonia again. I'm sad doctor is not supportive about not making me feel anhedonia.
I remember things like going to join my friends like part of a bike gang, as undercover application to police, like earning ranking in the group then apply for police force, then my friends knew it, then in the past we spoke about it like it will happen, but I really don't know if it will happen. Means I have nothing to join the police force then I joined gang to get 2nd in command then apply for police force to work under police with protection of police to continue as the "gang identity", I told my friend Epul and Naim about this before that I want to become a police, they regard me like their real brother(adopted brother) and don't mind about it. I wonder if it's true like such thing will really happen, I can only wait for 19th and 20th June if there will be any difference happening to my life, I really not putting much hope on it.
I wonder which of my friends remember about me, like why they don't be around to play games with me on weekends? I have schizophrenia and I can't work, I can only try to have fun everyday, the only pleasure I can find is writing then hoping a good counsellor or law negotiator appear or read to help me out, but then I read quotes that intelligent people just ignore, I guess I'm ignored then, but why if a shop theft, the intelligent people looking at camera will take action? There's something wrong in my brain about understanding quotes then I guess, it's just my schizophrenia "believing easily" happens like I went to Johor for $160 to and back for believing Alysha's lies. I wonder why schizophrenia believe things easily and even in detail? It means I can get cheated or ruined by my friends or not? I still have intelligent mind like scoring 100% all subject during my N level, then I wonder if someone like me is made to work is like a torture or not, my family/relatives don't pity me that I have to work and have this kind of mind that believes easily, then it means I have no one and really alone in this life journey. Counsellor assumed as given up as I chose to continue to smoke, and psychics chose to tell counsellor that I smoke anyway, then it means there's no help will be coming into my life and I'm dead meat. It's really sad to experience all this being a schizophrenic, like a fool then smart in scoring things, still can be fooled, it's really shocking my sickness but my family don't weigh them to be nicer to me, they just let me be blinded by lies that they have no money, it's really madness my life.
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