Nothing new

No new stuff appeared for me today, I'm made to feel like I'm receiving something so it became a lot of anger, but I am not angry at my BMC friends though, they don't even know my birthday.

Tomorrow will be celebrating birthday, then it's my first time celebrating my birthday after a long time, it's been over 20 years I didn't celebrate my birthday, don't know why my family changed style in caring but it was supposed to be celebrated last year but I didn't take my medicine last year so no celebration last year I think.

My only happiness I can think about is maybe passing 100% for my O levels which is next year, as meeting Sakinah looks impossible to happen at age 38, it's really sad and angry feelings but fluoxetine made my expression like fake, I'm like expressionless about it, I wonder why doctors don't sue Alysha earlier about anhedonia, all of them worried I get money or something I think.

I switch on Aircon today, my air cooler into Aircon mode, to feel the coldness instead of heat, my gum in pain and my heart feels hot, I wonder why it's like this kind of suffering, I think all schizophrenic feels pain whenever they expressed or tell people how angry they are, it's bad to feel pain then it's not a nice feeling for a long time.

I walked a lot just now but didn't experience dark vision, maybe because yesterday I exercised my legs a lot, like more than 200 times, I thought the feelings of spiked meth was coming back when I exercise yesterday but it's almost 1 year already so it should be impossible, maybe the anhedonia just gone awhile yesterday so my body was starting to feel good from exercising. I really need it to go all the time.

1 week is all i have to endure from smoking to receive help of counsellor, then it's impossible that they know if I have quit smoking, so it's sad for me wondering if someone knows or not, I just can't do this, it's like a messy feeling in body when I don't smoke, the needs to exercise increases if not like a lot of uncomfortable feelings.

I really don't know what to do, it's night time and I blog, thinking if I write nicer stuff I won't keep writing nonsense every night, I think somehow need to effort something. I don't know if writing anything about drugs will consider a relapse but I don't believe stories of Alysha so I don't think I relapse today.

I downloaded Harvest Moon for PSX and Metal Gear Solid 2 and 3 for PS2(both failed extraction but playable). I hope life becomes better to play games, I'm lonely as hell and anhedonia kills my energy further, I really don't know what to do everyday, I'm just feeling helpless right now.