I'm thinking how to be strong in life, as someone with nothing and no support from friends or loved ones, then I can't find a job too, I only imagine myself as dead meat surviving this life. Maybe it's just too lonely for me that's why I wrote this way, I really have no paths in life, it's a 1 way for counsellor and it's to quit smoking or else counsellor only helps after I start school. It is really hopeless, I wonder why exist such rules making me like a childish person, it's like a "doomed" feelings but people don't mind.
Today my mind like a bit having weight again, maybe it needs a moment to "almost relapse" again then suddenly healthier in 1 week like that, I don't know. I feel like my heart's been fixed or my brain got better because I don't feel like writing anymore, it's just for language improvement I think.
I think I will grow to hate people as they don't support me and I'm becoming a childish life like being supported by parents about school, I can't even pay for food by myself, it's really sad like taking daily money from them and they probably don't want to give me anything anymore, I wonder why they making my life feeling all these. Doctors didn't become nicer people too, it's really boring there's no planner for me but I have to plan on my own.
I'm seeing July as injection moment then August another injection and meeting doctor at the end of it, it's just 3 visits to I.M.H but if it's oral medication it's 1 time every 6 months even, I can't even feel a good rest for months.
There's nothing to do this year, no plans of going other countries too, I wonder when we will go Philippines, it's definitely a nice place to be at, just wanting some fun in life. My father when as parents at 40 years old already have me as a primary school age I think, they brought us to other countries and they are stable about money, not like me at close to 40 years old I'm still poor and impossible kind of person to get a girlfriend as fact, I'm dead as fact, like getting any girl without Sakinah is a suicide wish to just make them pregnant then imagine sex with their sister or cousin, it's really bad my life imagination, I don't know why I feel so down like this, fluoxetine is a fake happiness thats a medicine for me, for my anhedonia I will feel sad thats why, I wonder why people let me feel like this for a long time(almost 1 year) and okay about it. They don't feel guilty letting me experience anhedonia at all, I feel like I'm being tortured but have to take the medications so I don't feel bad or worse in life, it's enduring a phase of torture in life from anhedonia and doctors not changing my medicine "unless I request", it's weird it's not their common sense to do it. I don't know why they act stupid about it and not just help me anyway, they don't feel bad or guilty at the way they treated me.
I imagine 38 39 40 are the age I won't meet my friends still as they giving way for me to do my education, it's really crazy they definitely feel like I will ask them money but then that's probably the only reason they don't want to meet me. I became the most useless guys among my friends other than relatives, I'm the lowest achievement in life and they are not giving me any help at all.
I feel that I should just business with whatever I have, and all enemies to be friends just to make my business good, I really have no idea how I will live my life well if I still take money from my parents on the year I'm 39 years old, it's really bad how people treating me, I can't even live on my own.
The story of my dad and 2nd sister buying me a house when I'm 38 looks not true too, maybe it's lies of Alysha again, I'm really loss of energy whenever I think I'm getting a nicer life, memories of Alysha pops up as maybe the doer of the energetic happiness thats fake, she's just like a fluoxetine, so useless despite what is said it will remove anhedonia, then she's the same like she's supposed to pay penalty but let me remain poor too, what a bad girl I know in life.
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