I imagine May to June I earn $1000, or April to May $1000, then I have survived life and I can work well to survive on my own. I don't know why there's no update on Hisyammuddin but he have been working S.M.R.T since his work at jobclub onwards, then he never end, he became so hardworking and capable from a childish man, he's so lucky he passed this phase of life that I'm going through, he's my only energy of recovery that I can also recover well if jobclub helps me. I really need to be independent and earning a lot instead of too little and survive, I don't want to become a beggar in life, I scored well for N-level then I didn't get any rewards too, it's weird I have to survive my life on my own even if schizophrenia.
It is scary yesterday I think of life that I have loss, over 15 years of memory loss yearly, then I still thought I'm maybe 20+ years old, I'm already 38 years old this year and nobody support to giving me a lot of money for me to feel life like a rush for pleasure, I really loss a lot of pleasure in life. I really became dumb and not knowing what to do, my room became messy at that time and I read it's because of creativity, I'm so lonely like crazy then I wish my soulmate if knew it will help me go through this bad life, but my soulmate let me be in difficulty and not helping me at all. If to become like her, I imagine she's not the one then I still have to search for a girl to marry and become a grandfather, it looks like I'm too childish to become a grandfather, I'm reaching age of 40 years old then I thought I'm becoming a soldier at 38, then doctors still not in touch with me to tell me about it, I'm left thinking why I'm not a soldier instead.
Yesterday I dreamt of Fandi Ahmad's entire family, then I remembered his daughter's name is Iman? I find it weird I dreamt of them, I really don't know why and wonder what the dream means, of all people I dreamt of entire family of Fandi Ahmad. Will there be something happening in my life? Why is it about Football and Celebrity? Will I become someone of having a nice status too one day?
Yesterday I kept thinking like if I can really become a psychologist, will I really learn O level then take Psychologist cert? I really think like what will happen to my life, my only rest days are the off days from jobclub then suddenly work until next year O-level and then continue education? I really want to become Psychologist. I remember doctor saying the number of years Wahdiah apart from me makes her a Master Degree in Psychology, it's too hard to split up but she stayed(if she stay) makes her a Master Degree in Psychology. I still wonder why I didn't do Computer Stuff in education and why I love to do Psychology more, I really wonder why doctor like lied to me but when I remember of Hisyammuddin, doctors didn't lie and he hit the biggest jackpot and that's getting his own lover, he's so lucky I really wish doctor treat me the same and update me about my recovery, I really have to work continuously like Hisyammuddin? Means my taking of medicine is like meaningless kind of support to get from my family and relatives? I really have to survive on my own and mind messed up by Alisha about getting money? She really successfully attack me into thinking of getting money and got the last laugh because my parents are not giving me money. I wonder why my parents are like that.
I wonder how I can Sue Alisha, I will be occupied with Jobclub, then their job placement working hours, how am I going to have time for Law to sue her? I maybe will only have Saturday and Sunday left to try get a lawyer to help me extract money from her as I wasted a lot of money and I was made to go places so far away even if I had little money "if not I would keep hearing her voices" outside my window(as she stands there talking), because I hear voices then I don't know it's her, I thought it's some entity telling me information. Schizophrenia is bad until like that.
I received no support from being spiked, and I carried on living life despite the difficulty of extra "feelings"(spiked) and worried of dark vision too, it's really difficult life journey. Suddenly my nephews all grown up, my brother live in Punggol then suddenly back in Woodlands have divorce, it's really crazy, I really don't want my family to mess up but I loss memory so much I can't even interfere any decision in my family's life. I hope family like Bik Minah help me about what I want in life, I really don't want my nephew to have imperfect family life or like "the wife of my family had sex with other men after divorce from marriage", it's really weird a love story to become like that instead, a love story should only be loyal to one, I really dislike the imperfection and makes me feel like working as a cleaner and become a useless person.
I always want a family and relatives bond but I'm the most shy in family - I really want to create a connecting point(forum) but nobody that reads me talk to me and people are growing up, people may die but they don't talk to me, I really want to create like family and relative update each other through the forum, it's cool like knowing news from family members first Online, like we have our own newspaper to read at. It will be a nice connecting way, but why people are not listening me out? I really want to create a nephews together playing games with me like a fun day out as everyone will have own console, I really loss touch with my family for more than 15 years.
Dina will tunang next year then I imagine she have a baby soon, then if I have a baby, will be younger than my niece's child? I find it weird why it will become messy? But have to be like this I guess, but doctor ever said her boyfriend will become schizophrenic and can't ride motorcycle then still have a child late, then it looks different to me, they will tunang next year, happy she grown old and got a loyal person as her lover. He really looks loyal and I find it weird like suddenly 3 years old Dina, then now she's 20 years old with boyfriend that I'm an Uncle status, she really grown up literally without my knowledge like a teleportation due to memory loss and schizophrenia, I'm suddenly reaching 38 years old. Funny my life difficult like this.
I remember doctor saying if I don't go back to ward I will be talking of taking medicine "that causes me not having to go back to ward" to the patients to drive them to take medicines too and not come back to ward(it's always the same people like I have told in my story), I hope it happens like I will earn extra money as I'm ambitious to work in I.M.H too. As doctor said Wahdiah, Shahridah, Sakinah and Lyanie will have schizophrenia, I really hope I'm around for them if I get to work at I.M.H.
I remembered again maybe I was dreaming of Lyanie for so long, then in the dream I thought her name is Farah, but when I think again I thought I bought a Fishing Equipment and sold it to her, why is my memory mix up with dreams and reality as 1 story of my life instead? Schizophrenia really made me loss memory and I don't remember.
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